Dear Josh: Written for Joshua’s first birthday after his passing — December 2022

Editor’s Note:

This letter was written during Joshua’s first birthday after his passing, in December 2022. I am sharing it here as part of his memorial — a reflection of grief, love, and the ways we continued to honor him during that first, unimaginable year without him.

December 14, 2022

Wednesday

Dear Josh,

I'm feeling very sad today. How can I celebrate without you here, son? (Deep sigh)

Your absence is particularly noticeable and felt today. Words can't express how much you're missed. The emptiness inside... it can't be filled.

Having you for 23 years wasn't enough for me, for us... for the world. But... it's better than not having you at all.

You drew your first breath on this day at precisely 6:40pm. Your eyes opened to a new world where you now existed. I recall hearing your first cry when they brought you out from my womb. The instant they placed you next to my face, you quieted. You were calm. You recognized my essence even before meeting me. I will always treasure our first moment together, and I eagerly await the next.

I'm sitting here writing after spending the afternoon getting our home ready to celebrate you, son. Your closest friends are on their way, and one of your favorite pizzas from Pizza Hut will be delivered soon. I feel a surge of excitement as I wait! This is exactly what you would have wanted today. I can picture your eyes lighting up and your face breaking into a smile. It's your special day!

You will always be remembered. And I will intentionally set out each day to find ways I can honor you and share your life with the world.

Happy Birthday my son... I love you eternally ❤️

December 17, 2022

Saturday

This morning, Vince, Gabe, and I got together with four of your closest friends (Diraj, Jaro, Anjan, Zeke) at Classic Cinemas in St Charles to watch the NEW Avatar movie in 3D! It was incredible! You would have really enjoyed it! It was a special treat just for you, coming together and carrying on with your birthday tradition, doing the things you loved most on your special day.

Even though it wasn't planned, a seat was kept open for you right next to me. I've missed you so much. I've prayed and hoped that somehow, in some way, you might still join us and let your presence be felt.

It's nearly 11 p.m. now, and I'm at home, sitting alone in the dining room with a glass of wine as I write this letter to you. I'm using my silver Google Chromebook, which I found after a bit of searching. I suppose I'm trying to get used to it again. It will be much more convenient to carry around for work and business, and perhaps some additional activities—I'll see what I end up getting involved in. Since you've been away, I've kept myself quite busy. But I'll save that story for another time.

After the movie, we sat and stayed behind as the credits rolled and chat for a little while. The 3D glasses are very cool. We all got ourselves souvenirs. This time I made sure to get all of us in a group photo since I forgot to take pictures on Wednesday. Diraj was chosen to take our selfie shot as he happens to have the longest arms. You do know he is also the tallest. And I am officially the shortest out of the group. Even your little brother Gabe has outgrown me at least by an inch or two.

After a group hug, I made sure to get my own hugs in... we parted ways, and as Vince drove us home, I started to feel a wave of sadness. I had just enough time to get ready to visit your grave. It's been the longest period I've gone without visiting—three weeks and a few days. It's much colder now, and the cemetery's visiting hours are shorter. I miss spending time there; it has become a special place for me.

Before headed out that way, I stopped inside to grab birthday flowers for you, a pretty blue shade with a birthday bow. Gathering each bunch and removing the stickers on the stems as I cried. In my heart all I can think of is how this is me, us right now. You are not here with me and I am going to visit you and leave these at your grave. Who could understand this and know the ache I feel inside?

But I did it. I drove, crying all the way to the cemetery. It had been snowing for the past few days, and the cemetery looked bare and cold, yet still beautiful. When I parked and stepped out, a sudden sense of peace filled me. I made it! I was finally back at my favorite place. Even though I knew my visit would be brief due to the cold and the time, it would be enough.

What do I wish for you my son on your birthday? Well of course I would wish for you as I always have, for there to be many more years to celebrate. But...this cannot be. Not in this life. So I am wishing for the day we meet again and celebrate for eternity. And what a celebration that will be! Surrounded by countless numbers of people who love us, love you and who we love too. This here on earth is no match for what I do believe is awaiting me when I reach the other side to where you are my beautiful boy. How I long for that day.

Until then...

I will continue to love you as I always have and know I will eternally. I miss you more than I can ever tell you.

Happy Heavenly Birthday my son... may the angels in heaven give you a kiss from me and a great big hug!

P.S. Your favorite holiday starts tomorrow, Hanukkah. I made it through the first holiday of this season, Thanksgiving, and made it through your first birthday without you. I think I feel pretty good about celebrating the eight days of Hanukkah... can't wait to tell you all about it.

Making Memories to Last a Lifetime, Celebrating You Josh!