Have you experienced a recent loss or in the past few years?
Someone close? Someone you love deeply? Is it a grandparent or parent, your sibling or a child? Another relative? Perhaps a friend, neighbor or special animal?
This season can be difficult for us. Very difficult. For me it's my first without my son, Josh.
I didn't plan for it to be. I wasn't sure what to expect. I heard from others how hard it is going through the first year maybe second or even third. And then came Monday, November 14th.
On that day, almost immediately, my entirety knew just knew in one months time... will be his Birthday. What do I do?! How do I do any of this?! Suddenly I realized the season I was entering. Not only his Birthday... but Thanksgiving, then Hanukkah and Christmas and the New Year and shortly after the New Year... his one year anniversary in February.
All this in one season. All connected. All about to happen whether I want it to or not. Time isn't stopping. Time will continue and life... will go on.
So how do I, WE, survive the holidays? Do we choose to ignore and avoid? Isolate; hide ourselves in a shell? Intoxicate to numb?
If this isn't your first year, then I ask you reader, what have you done before to get through? Did it help or make things worst?
"Your absence covers everything. The silence is deafening." Gary Roe
There is a hard truth we all must face. The absence of our loved ones. The future we had hoped for, imagined, no longer exists. Everything has changed.
Birthdays, holidays, the seasons and life will go on without them (physically) in it. We will still look for them. We will still ask, "Where are they? What are they doing?" This is natural. There's nothing that can be done to change the impact of the loss and absence felt especially in these times. But... how can I choose to survive this and include my son in all of it? How can YOU choose to survive the holidays and include your loved ones? That's the real question.
I want to share with you my journey. I hope in sharing openly you can find something to help you not only survive through the holidays but bring your loved ones into it. Or at the very least, give you something to think about.
IMAGE: PHOTO BY MARCY BACHELOR
DATE: 25 NOV 2022
LOCATION: SOUTH ELGIN IL
Two weeks ago at griefshare (a grief support group that meets on a weekly basis each semester) we watched a video about surviving the holidays and these are some of my personal notes and takeaways from what spoke to me:
Accept this will be hard. Be honest with where you are and "when" you are.
Own your grief! This is essential to survival.
Share your grief.
Be flexible. Don't make any commitments. You can't be certain about how you will feel on any given day.
Make a list of what was before the loss. Then ask yourself if you still need this? Is it something you can let go of? Or does it somehow help to include your loved one even now?
How about considering new traditions to create? Is there something that can honor your loved ones memory in a special way?
What will bring you comfort and healing this season?
And remember that as you move forward you can bring them with you.
As you go through your journey during the holidays, be kind to yourself and patient. Explore. Experiment. Find what works for you best and those still living that you love.
I know for me it's very important to share about my son. To talk about his life. Recognizing he is absent. Letting others know in what ways I want to honor him be it lighting a candle or something else in his memory.
I am also planning to focus on preservation of memories. How many of us have hundreds of photos and other things connected to our loved ones who have moved on from this life? Or to those still with us?
After experiencing such loss, I am motivated to attend to the now. Cherish what was but also what is. Go through each photo. Tag it! Make notation of it! Create new memories! Share with others!
And service. This is a BIG one! Do you know that when you get up and help someone else you actually have the potential to heal yourself?
There is something to it. Getting your mind off of oneself and focused on the other person who is in need. And you do have something that can ease their suffering. Bring comfort. Encourage them. Strengthen and support them in their weakness.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.… (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
I tell you from my own experience. Shortly after my son's passing, just days after... a distant cousin lost their son too. Tragically. Almost immediately, I connected. I knew firsthand the intensity of childloss. I wanted to bring comfort in an unusual way yet familiar way. A bond that is created among others who share the same type of loss.
I felt comfort in reaching out. Serving. Loving. Giving of myself despite my own suffering. Even when my pain was just as new, raw and fresh.
Helping others eases your pain.
And I have been continuing to practice intently to seek out anyone I get notice of experiencing a new loss or recent as well as anyone suffering intense grief and sorrow even years after. This has encouraged me to use my own experience to comfort and support others on their own journey.
I can only share and give suggestions. This world is not short on opportunities to make a difference right where we are in every day we have to live. Even more during the holiday season!
Here are other ideas:
1.Visit a shut in or someone you know who is perhaps as you are, grieving a loss.
2.Volunteer at a homeless shelter or serve in a soup kitchen.
3.Donate to a charity in honor of your loved one(s).
4.Serve in your community.
5.Foster for a local animal shelter.
Whatever you decide to do during this season what matters the most is to be truthful of where you are and what you can find in you to do that will comfort you. Seek peace. Seek healing. Honor the loss. Honor those still loved. And learn to grieve well. In a way that helps you take another breath and another step.
And trust that you are not alone in this. There are a multitude of others all over the globe just as you are and as I am, who also are grieving. Preparing to face this season. To prepare their hearts and minds for what will come and not wait until we are ready.
My hope, we face it strong and courageously.
We are not alone...
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
#survival #holidays #grief #loss #griefshare #support #help #2Corinthians #bibleverse #GaryRoe #Joshua1 #Josh
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