I just completed a task that might seem insignificant to others. But tonight, I realized how deeply significant it is to me. I ironed for the first time since I ironed my son's burial clothes.
That was 29 months ago...
Tuesday, February 15th 2022 at approximately 10pm.
Ironing Joshua’s burial clothes was heartbreaking. No one can truly understand what that felt like for me, his mother. I remember the challenge I had in finding just the right clothes. They had to be perfect; embodying who Josh was, his style, and his spirit. And they had to send a message. Every part of his outfit—shirt, hoodie, pants, hat, wristband—represented him. Even my choice to bury him without shoes had a specific purpose. For I know, Joshua is now standing on holy ground in the presence of our Creator in heaven.
“Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so. (JOSHUA 5:15)
I searched everywhere for his outfit, guided by a vision that was clear in my heart but vague in detail. I just knew to trust in God's guidance. He'd lead me and point me in the right direction, laying every piece in divine order. Only now, after all this time, do I realize how few people know this part of our story as I prepared to bury him.
Thankfully, I had my best friend of 22 years, Maria with me. We found a store, Christian Connection, in Sycamore IL, that seemed promising. It felt like quite a drive at that time, but he was worth every bit of it. At the store, each part of his outfit seemed to call out to us coming together as it was meant to be.
But our adventure wasn't over—I needed an iron. The strangest thing, for some reason we couldn't find one at any store. Not until we ran into a friend of mine from The Well, our home church, at a clothing store she was working for at the time. I think it was TJ Maxx? She recognized me, came towards me expressing her condolences. I shared with her about our intense search for an iron and she offered hers. She happened to live in close distance to the store. After, I can't remember what followed. The next memory I have is standing in my living room, looking over the ironing board, iron on. Next I layed out his outfit piece by piece, carefully, slowly, and perfectly... I ironed. Some time had passed and my son's final outfit was ready for his burial, complete. Below are photos of his outift once I was done.
How did this become our story?
I don't know, but it is.
Fast forward two years and five months to this night of July 6th, 2024. Everything in my life is still changing. I have a different family, a new family. We are still at the same address, but our environment is transforming. There's new life and season that has emerged. The "spring," I have been waiting for has arrived. It is happening right now.
In my bedroom, where I recently returned to, I decided it was the perfect moment to set up the ironing board and use the same iron from that last night. However, on this particular night, I ironed a new outfit for myself, symbolizing a fresh beginning. Then, I was filled with tears and deep sorrow—anquish of my soul. Now, with a smile and overflowing joy, I feel like I'm breaking new ground. I sense that I am embarking on a new journey. I am standing on promise, firm in hope and with a profound sense of accomplishment. I am present. I have come this far. It feels right. This is my path. It is a part of my narrative, intertwined with his.
Just like it was 29 months ago, I am now, once again, honoring his memory with each press of the iron.
HONOR his memory with each press: act upon through steady pushing.
This is what I know Joshua would want for us all; those he got to know in his life and those he didnt get to meet but through his death they would come to learn of him. "Keep pressing forward. Live Now."
In honor of my firstborn, who grew into an extraordinary original man, whose name is Joshua Baez (1998-2022).
This is so beautiful. I am without words! 💛💛💛