Identity

I am God's masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10

I have spent much of my life seeking the approval of others. From an early age, I felt the sting of rejection and, I must confess, was governed by my own insecurities. I was fearful of man—in a literal sense. I constantly felt watched, whether by those who knew me, knew of me, or even complete strangers. I could feel their eyes on me. Looking back, I wonder: was this feeling always imagined, or was it sometimes real?

This fear of perception—of how they saw me, of what they believed about me, of the stories they might have heard—became a constant internal struggle. Where did this desperate longing for acceptance come from? Why was it such a battle within me? In response, my identity shifted to align with the world's view of who I was, could be, or should be. It was never an identity of who I truly was. The real me stayed concealed, only surfacing in specific conditions, within the most secure settings.

Even now, do I truly understand who I am? The honest answer is no. However, with each passing day, I increasingly recognize who I am not. This journey toward self-awareness began in the most profound and painful way imaginable: with the unexpected and tragic loss of my son, Joshua. It was in the crucible of that grief that a new identity shift began—not one of conformity, but of alignment with the true self I had kept hidden for so long.

In the week before he passed, my own home had become a place of constant fear. Our lives were dominated by a suffocating atmosphere of control and anger. Overwhelmed by anxiety, I felt compelled to make decisions that violated my own beliefs, just to survive. I had no voice. I was mocked, ridiculed, and rejected in the one place I was supposed to be safe. It never was. No amount of pleasing, compromising, or silence was ever enough; my efforts were invisible. This toxic environment wounded my son, Josh, as well. It breaks my heart to remember the rejection he felt in his final days—a pain captured in one of his last text messages to me, a final testament to the reality we endured. By mid-week, we had reached a breaking point. I was desperate for help, and for a moment, it seemed it might finally arrive. But then came the accident. Then came his death. In an instant, our lives were shattered, but something else broke, too: the veil of fear that had enslaved me. And through the deepest pain, I began an unexpected journey toward freedom.

I can't help but wonder, had I not experienced such a devastating loss, one that shattered the very foundation of my existence and left me grappling with an overwhelming sense of emptiness, would I have ever truly come to understand the profound nature of freedom?

The nights that followed were not merely dark; they were suffocating, filled with an oppressive silence that echoed the pain of my grief. Each moment felt like an eternity, as I wandered through a labyrinth of sorrow, searching for a glimmer of hope amidst the shadows that loomed over me. It was in those deep, unsettling nights of my soul, when despair seemed to be an uninvited companion, that I began to confront the raw truths of my existence.

In the depths of that darkness, I found myself stripped of the distractions that had once filled my life, forced to confront my innermost fears and insecurities. It was a brutal awakening, yet it was also a catalyst for transformation. The loss, while devastating, became a crucible in which my spirit was tested and ultimately reshaped. I began to realize that true freedom is not simply the absence of constraints, but rather the ability to embrace vulnerability and emerge stronger on the other side.

As I navigated through the paralyzing waves of grief, I discovered a resilience within me that I had never known existed. Each tear shed was not just a sign of my pain, but also a step toward freedom from the chains of my past. I learned to redefine my relationship with loss, understanding that it was not an endpoint, but rather a passage that could lead to a deeper appreciation of life and its fleeting moments of beauty. In this journey, I found that freedom is intricately woven with the acceptance of life’s unpredictability, the courage to face my emotions head-on, and the wisdom to recognize that even in the darkest times, there lies the potential for growth and renewal. So, as I reflect I cannot help but consider that perhaps it was the very act of confronting my deepest sorrow that ultimately opened the door to a newfound sense of freedom, one that I may have never discovered had I not walked through those shadowy nights of my soul.

Where am I now? I'm learning to love, value, and respect myself as deeply as I would anyone else. It's a personal application of the Golden Rule: treating myself as I would want to be treated.

Matthew 7:12: "In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you"

I am also learning to express myself, voice my thoughts, and overcome fear. This journey toward self-advocacy has been both challenging and liberating. For far too long, I engaged in people-pleasing behaviors, constantly prioritizing the needs and desires of others over my own. If you've found yourself in a similar situation, you understand that this relentless pursuit of approval and acceptance is ultimately an impossible achievement. It leads to a cycle of dissatisfaction and emotional exhaustion. We are all flawed and imperfect beings, navigating a complex world filled with diverse perspectives and experiences. Each of us has different needs, various opinions, and unique expectations that shape our interactions. This diversity makes human relationships rich and multifaceted, but it can also lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Moreover, the quest for external satisfaction is often fleeting and temporary; what brings us joy or contentment today may not hold the same value tomorrow. It's essential to acknowledge that our feelings and desires can change over time. Thus, we must learn to embrace our authenticity and communicate our true selves without fear of judgment or rejection. As a result, we create space for deeper connections and a more genuine understanding of ourselves and those around us. I am learning to live authentically: to lead an honest and sincere life, to discover my true self, and to have the courage to present myself without filters, without apologies.

To live authentically is to embrace the essence of one’s true self, shedding the layers of pretense and societal expectations that often shroud our genuine identities. It means embarking on a profound journey of self-discovery, delving deep into the core of our being to uncover the values, beliefs, and passions that truly resonate with us.

This process of self-exploration is not always easy; it requires self-analysis, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront aspects of myself I may have previously hidden or neglected. It involves peeling back the facade constructed over time, often shaped by external influences and pressures, to reveal the unfiltered, raw version of who I am. Living an honest, real life is about aligning my actions with my inner truths. This commitment to authenticity in every aspect of my existence—be it in my relationships, my work, or my personal pursuits—fosters a sense of integrity and peace within me, allowing me to navigate life with clarity and purpose. I aim to communicate openly and transparently with others, sharing my thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgment or rejection. This openness not only enriches my connections but also cultivates a supportive environment where others feel empowered to express their true selves as well.

To discover who I really am is an ongoing journey that requires patience and self-compassion. It involves exploring my interests, passions, and aspirations, as well as acknowledging my flaws and limitations. I embrace the entirety of my being, recognizing that both my strengths and weaknesses contribute to the unique tapestry of my identity. This journey also entails a commitment to personal growth, where I actively seek opportunities to learn, evolve, and expand my horizons.

Having the courage to reveal myself unfiltered and unapologetically is perhaps one of the most challenging yet rewarding aspects of living authentically. It means standing firm in my beliefs and values, even in the face of adversity or disapproval. This courage empowers me to share my experiences, my struggles, and my triumphs with the world, fostering deeper connections with others who may resonate with my journey. By embracing my true self without reservation, I honor not only my own existence but also the divine presence that guides me. Ultimately, this commitment to authenticity honors God, as it reflects the unique creation that I am meant to be.

By living a life that is true to myself, I acknowledge the gifts and purpose that have been given to me. In doing so, I seek to inspire others to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery, encouraging them to embrace their authentic selves and to recognize the beauty in being unfiltered and unapologetic. This is a powerful testament to the belief that each of us is worthy of love, acceptance, and the freedom to express our true selves in a world that often encourages conformity.

This is what I genuinely believe brings honor to God our Father and Savior Jesus Christ.