I Hate My Life: Learning to Live After Loss

Joshua’s empty room.

I Hate My Life

Four months ago, I woke to knocks at my door.

My prayers for God’s mercy and miraculous healing did not come.

Instead, my world shattered into pieces.

So much of the life I wanted — the life I hoped for, dreamed of, prayed for — was suddenly gone, buried alongside my son.

What do we do when life doesn’t turn out the way we planned?

In John 10:10, Jesus says, He came so that we may “have life, and have it abundantly.”

For a long time, I struggled to understand how those words could still be true after devastating loss.

Then I read a post from Proverbs 31 Ministries that said:

“Abundant life” does not only mean when things are going well. It is not reserved for the moments when we receive the outcome we hoped for.

I am learning, moment by moment, to embrace the life God has still given me — even in grief.

And perhaps that is where healing begins.

When we trust God with the broken pieces of our life. He can reshape what's shattered.

Author’s Note

This reflection was originally written in the summer of 2022, just four months after the loss of my son. I chose to revisit and share it now not because I have all the answers to grief, but because I know others may be walking through devastating loss too.

These words were written from a place of deep heartbreak, confusion, faith, and survival — during a season when simply continuing forward moment by moment felt impossible.

Healing does not erase grief. But over time, I have learned that even shattered lives can still hold meaning, purpose, and hope.

— Marcy Baez Lopez